“Silent Suffering”
This is not your average migraine, this is not, “I think I had one of those one time” type of headache, or “I get those too, a dark room and ice work” kind of headache.
Imagine a brain freeze on steroids that comes and goes all throughout the day and night, unexpectedly, and with the slightest trigger. Heat, cold, sleep, food, smoke, perfume, naps, fragrant shampoo. Getting sad, being excited… the list is long.
There are 2 things that can stop these headaches when they hit…high levels of oxygen and injections. Sometimes, hospitalization for IV meds. I was 14 the first time I had one…31 years!! That’s unreal when I put numbers to it. It’s a hidden disease that I suffer from that few understand.
I have kept this fairly private for all of these years, for multiple reasons. I have had health care professionals treat me like I am crazy. I have been poked, prodded, tested more times than I can count. I have had doctors medicate me to the point of insanity. Few understand, and to be honest, I don’t like not being in control, or weak. I don’t like to ask for help?
So why write about it? I don’t think I am alone. There are numerous “silent” issues that so many of us face. So many that suffer in silence out of fear, shame, lack of understanding.
“You look fine, so you must be fine.” To my friends that are not “fine,” YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I don’t care if it’s headaches, anxiety, chron’s disease, depression, diabetes, dysautonomia, the list goes on and on, you are not alone. The issue is when we can’t share our suffering with others. It breeds a state of loneliness, it exasperates an already isolated feeling that is equally as dangerous as the disease itself.
Do you know how many times I have begged God to remove this from my life? I have lost count. Yet, It remains. Am I mad at Him, for choosing me to bear this burden, sometimes…when I’m away from my kids, suffering in a room, banging my head against my hand… not angry, just perplexed, when is enough, enough?
Do you ever wonder the same? Then I’m reminded, I am chosen. Every part of my life, even the painful ones, are perfectly crafted by a creator who loves me, and will not let me suffer alone. With that mindset, I get through another sleepless night battling headaches, I push through unseen struggles, I find hope when I feel hopeless.
Deuteronomy 31:6 says “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
In case you are suffering in silence, I hope sharing my struggle allows you to also realize, WE are not alone! He will never leave us or forsake us!
Until next time, Courtney
